in my head

Today I am lost in my thoughts. I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of people and it is just stewing. One says they miss me and don't try and blow me off (yet I go periods of time not hearing from them). Another says they are sad to hear that I am sad (then after a 4 hour conversation, I don't hear from them more than once the next day). Others are still happy/proud of me for having the courage to leave the DB and walk away. But yet, here I am faltering and not seeing my own strength. I know I draw strength from my mommy and my seester, but I I lose sight of it in the stress sometimes. And somehow, yet other people think I am so fragile that they tiptoe around the truth. I FUCKING LEFT HIM THIS TIME .. I AM NOT A BROKEN HEARTED MESS !!! I haven't felt this free in a long time, but there is still a lot that I choose not to do just because it is not for me right now. I wanna go out, but I am kinda hesitant to go out some places cause they are so not me. I guess I have to figure myself out again .. I look at my phone like a crazy person sometimes. LoL. I need a hobby. LoL. I think maybe I will start my cross stitching again .. it's sitting right next to me .. how do I clear my head when I have 5 other people depending on me? I don't make much money but there are other people who count on me to provide. I feel stressed out because I don't know if I can do it. I am struggling and don't know where to turn. I don't wanna blame others for the hard knocks in my life .. but it's like I just can't catch a break. I try and I try and I try to be a good person .. to treat others as I wish to be treated .. but I still get spit on. Alas .. I get a text message. 11:33 at night and I hear my phone vibrate. I think it is one person .. but am happily surprised it is someone else .. so, I am going to see if the one text message becomes a conversation .. until tomorrow .. hopefully <3