Almost Halloween !!!

So .. I am sitting here waiting on my mom and dad to get home so I can run errands. I want to go see my nephews at the Trunk or Treat and then I am going to a Halloween/Housewarming party for a friend .. and then I am going to see DOWN THE BOULEVARD at the Freakin Frog !! YAY !!! So excited .. busy day, but SO worth it. I must get Panda Express while I am out .. and track down a Halloween costume :o) We'll see how things turn out ..

Baby it's cold outside ..

It is REALLY cold and windy outside .. I would love to curl up next to a sweet guy and watch a movie and drink some hot cocoa with COOL WHIP (not a fan of cocoa with marshmallows). SO .. looks like that isn't happening any time soon .. oh well .. it's a nice thought ..

P.S. I Love You

So, I finally watched "P.S. I Love You" .. GREAT movie .. I cried all the way through it. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about the 1 year journey of a girl who's husband just died. Although Aaron didn't die, I feel I am on the same journey. I haven't found anyone who I want to be with that wants to be with me too .. Maybe I'm not ready to. Maybe I'm not ready to fall in love .. I know I want to be in love and I wanna be happy again, but maybe my heart and subconscious just aren't ready .. I know I need a lot of attention and maybe subconsciously I find the guys who are unable to give me the attention that I need. I'm not asking a lot of "Mr. Right" .. But all I have found is "Mr. Right Now" and that's asking a LOT of him .. But at the same time .. I don't wanna be alone forever .. I am just hurting so badly right now .. my head is spinning ..

depressed

I have a lot on my mind .. I have a big heart and I always let people in. Do I have unrealistic expectations of people? Perhaps. Does my heart feel like it's pounding out of my chest? Absolutely. I expected Aaron to keep his word when he promised me forever. I expected Todd to try and get better and not take her back after she hurt him. I expected Terry to still call when he said he wanted to date me. I expect people to be consistent. I expected my divorce to stay closed after it initially was. I expected karma to come true .. I am a good person. I have a big heart. There is stuff missing in my life. I don't know what it is .. I want to feel whole again, but no matter how hard I try, there is still something missing.

migraines

Stress enduced migraines are the WORST !! I took some migraine pills earlier and they DULLED the pain .. but it came back with a VENGENCE !! So, THANK YOU Raul for the Excederine Migraine !!! It did the trick !! It even took the nausea away !! YAY !!! You deserve a card of something !!! :o)

MARGARET ANNE FLYNN!!!

You are such a good friend (even tho you introduced me to 2 of the people who have hurt me most in my life .. LoL .. BOYS SUCK) .. hahaha .. Anyway .. we are going out tonight and I am SO excited !!! I love you and am SO glad that I have you in my life .. don't let this give you a big head or anything .. but YOU ROCK !! XoXoX

There are so many things in life that change a person. I used to be strong willed and had confidence in myself even tho I had low self-esteem. Where did I lose my self-confidence? When did I become so shy and reserved? I have always been shy, but now I almost have a FEAR of people. I used to spend countless hours on the phone with both my girl friends and also the boys I liked. Now, I'd rather send a call to voicemail and immediately text the person back. I have changed in the past 7 years. I am not saying it's Aaron's fault, BUT .. I know he had a hand in it. I would like to have some of the old me back. A little over a month ago, one of my girl friends was shocked by my fear and refusal to give a guy my phone number. She told me that this "isn't the Erinn I know" .. She said that I always went after what I wanted, and got it .. Hate to break it to you honey .. But I'm not that girl anymore .. I am feeling a bit down in the dumps again over boys (although I had a VERY positive and directional conversation in the past week) .. But it's just standing still. I need to find the nerve to just call .. I think tonight is another HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU kind of night .. Damn .. The script writer modeled GiGi after me! Good grief!!

when it rains .. it POURS !!

So .. my life is kind of falling apart at the seams right now. I have been SO behind with money for a few different reasons and I got behind on my car and even became a few weeks late on my rent, my power was shut off. Well .. I got my power back on (and am now getting shit from my "friend" who helped me get it turned on in the first place) .. but then I was notified that i was going to be getting evicted cause I couldn't come up with my rent money. I was since in bed with the WORST migraine and then I was throwing up all afternoon yesterday. So, as if things couldn't get any worse, my car was repossessed !! So, I have no car, I am going to be losing my apartment tho I don't know for sure when, BUT I have power !! LoL

So, here I sit taking a break of cleaning/packing/organizing. I am in MUCH better spirits today. I had 5 AMAZING girls lift my spirits today: GiGi . Michele . Jillian . Heather .. and my beautiful Peyton !! These are some of the most important people in my life .. and I am SOOO thankful and blessed to have them !! I now have a plan and I am feeling better about the way things are going. My brother told me there is a lesson to be learned out of every experience. That is VERY true .. and perhaps this is actually a blessing in disguise !!

strong . elusive & cryptic . alone

I am sitting here writing this by candle light (a story all in it's own that I don't really wanna get into at the moment) and it is making me really think. Just last night a friend of mine told me that I am a really strong person. And that has me thinking about a lot of things that a lot of people have to say about me .. I don't see myself as strong . I don't see myself as beautiful .. But people tell me these two things a lot. How is it that so many people can see/say the same things about me, but yet I have been living with myself for almost 26 years now, and I don't see them. True, I have trouble taking compliments, but it seems that if someone compliments me on anything but those two things, I am more accepting of it. What makes me strong? I think I am weak. I am a 25 year old divorced mother of two that can't even find a guy to take her out on a first date, let alone be her boyfriend. Am I strong because I haven't given up on love? Because I still believe that there is someone out there who will love me some day? Am I strong because I have no one to help pick me up and brush myself off after falling on my face that I have to do it myself? (I've gotten pretty good at doing that) .. I guess if I'm viewed as strong it's cause of my kids. Xander and Peyton are my world .. Without them I don't know where I'd be and I really don't wanna think about that. Those kids keep me strong. I have to be strong for them. They can't see me cry. So instead of crying, I get angry.

I am so angry inside, so hurt, so alone. I tried talking to someone about it, but he told me I was normal. Maybe I am normal and everyone is a little crazy. Or maybe I didn't feel safe enough to let anyone see me so vounorable. My brother said to me tonight that he hates how elusive I am. He thinks I am all mysterious or something for attention. "Don't be all cryptic." .. He said that if I want my friends to know what's going on with me .. Tell them. Well, the hard thing is .. I don't wanna lay my shit out there for everyone to see. if I am going through something, I'll let people know that I'm having a tough time .. That that point, if people wanna know more they can come to me. Some may see it as overly dramatic, I see it as being protective. I don't know if I can trust anyone fully anymore. I'd like to .. Oh man would I like to .. But I just don't know how capable of trusting I am anymore .. I am alone. That's obvious. The reason I am alone, that's what confuses me. I don't wanna be alone, at least not on a conscious level. Maybe on a subconscious level, I sabotage every chance I have at a relationship before I have the opportunity to trust someone again. There has only been 1 person in my life that Ihave trusted whole heartedly .. And he hurt me. He didn't just hurt me .. He broke my spirit. Recently, I stood back and said nothing when there was dozens of opportunities to go after what I wanted .. Another friend said "this isn't the Erinn that I know. The Erinn that I know gets everything she wants. She's not shy at all." .. I am not that person anymore .. Haven't been for a very long time .. Don't know if I can get any of it back either ..

Am I depressed? Yeah .. And it seems I write better when I am. Depression is a way of life for me now .. It's been something I have been dealing with since about the time I was around 13. I want to feel better .. I want to be a genuinely happy person .. Not just a semi-happy person faking it. I have good things in my life, but when the bad stuff happens, I dwell on it for such a long time .. I know it's not healthy, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know if anyone is reading my rambling (part of me is hoping that no one is) .. But if you just sat through this .. You're a trooper! Thanks! There is a long road of healing ahead of me .. It'll take some time .. Maybe I will feel whole again .. Maybe. Until then .. Anyone got some JB weld?

Eirik Rhys

My sister-in-law brought the most beautiful baby boy into the world yesterday morning at 8:14am. His name is Eirik Rhys (said Eric Reese) and he is absolutely perfect. He weighed 7lbs and 12oz and was 19in long. He is chillin in the warmth of a heater in the NICU for a bit, but he is doing good. Both mom and baby are doing just fine!!

The second best job to being a mom is being an AUNT !!

Nin Nin loves you little guy !!

XoXoX

Niece or Nephew

I will have a new niece or nephew in the morning!!! (Still hoping for a GIRL!!)

another one bites the dust

this is going to be VERY short and RIGHT to the point .. I think i am starting to figure out why so many guys blow me off .. it's one of two things: my kids or my ex-husband. Some guys can't handle the fact that I have children. Some guys can't handle the fact that I was married to someone else. Well NEWS FLASH retard .. I lived 25 years of my life (at least) PRIOR to you entering it .. shit happened in my past !! And my past is a HUGE part of how I became the person I am today. So, although I am living for the future .. I will NEVER forget the past .. GET OVER IT or GET TO STEPPIN !!

yet another busy day

Yesterday was yet another busy day! I worked all day and then rushed from work to X's school for his "meet & greet" with his teacher. She seems really nice, but I feel like a retard cause Aaron and I started to get into it inside her classroom when she was right there (and so were X and P). So, Aaron walked out. Whatever, he shouldn't have gone in without me! Things were better by the time we left. In fact, I took P and he took X and we met at Burger King for lunch. We hung out for a while and then I kissed the kids and left. (I'm picking them up today from the sitter.)

After lunch, I went to Target to get X some more school clothes. I am SO excited, and I know he is too! I am STILL trying to find him a pair of black/grey plaid shorts. I will find them .. I just don't know where I'll have to go: perhaps JC Penney. I have to go and get X shoes for school anyway. I am very excited!! :o) Aaron and I both took Monday off to be there for X's first day !!

So, after a very successful trip to Old Navy, I went home and started getting ready for a night out/in with the girls. It was the first VM sleepover (http://vegasmommies.com/) and we had SO much fun. Seester and I bought a TON of munchies!! Super YUM!! There was no plain vodka, but I made my drinks using a citron vodka or a blueberry vodka .. And they were both super good !! Anyway, I got a bit tipsy and still had to drive back home. I was good to drive; I'd never put my Seester and/or the baby in any danger!!

Ok .. I am going to go for now .. BABY ON WEDNESDAY!!! I can't wait !!

yesterday

Well .. I had a GREAT day yesterday. I had a complete blast hanging out with GiGi. We laughed quite a bit. Oh em gee, she made me watch some sort of 80's porn .. LoL. Ok, so not really. It was a workout video by Play Girl and it was just foul .. LoL .. Hella funny tho. Well .. Once I left CSN with GiGi, I went over to Jillian's. Her friend Katya was there and I finally got to meet her. Now, she left but Jibs and I continued to hang out for the remainder of the night. She and I put some steaks and potatoes on the grill and got our grub on. She asked me if I wanted to go out. So, we drove Cadence to her sister's house, and went to PT's. I love Ben! He asked me what I wanted to drink and I told him "my usual" and he knew exactly what to make me (toasted almond) .. Awwwww! He is SO fucking hott!!! We have been friends for a long time. Jibs and I talked and drank and drank and talked. And then after midnight, we headed out. I dropped Jillian back off and I went home to bed. I am so beyond exhausted. Blah .. Sleepy time. More of an entry later now that I can do it from my phone :o)

cell blogging

Ok .. I set up my cell so that I can blog from where ever .. This is my test to see if it actually works. If it does, MUCH more to come .. While I'm on the go!!

Chillin at CSN

So .. here I am chillin in the CSN computer lab (TOTALLY brings back high school memories .. a quick shout out to all my CCSH buddies!!) with my girl GiGi .. one of the few people that I would trust with my life (AKA my kids) .. she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I can tell her anything/everything and she never judges me. I truly love her and am glad to have her in my life.

Actualy today is a MUCH better day than yesterday. I am focusing on my friends and how awesome they are. GiGi asked me to come hang out today for a while after we got off work SO FUN .. and then I am going to go see Jibs. She is amazing too BTW !! (She is the ONLY friend that I have known for more than a year that I have NEVER gotten into a SINLGE fight with EVER !!!) I need to surround myself with my friends and forget about guys. This is no easy task for me. Anyone who knows me knows that i am completely BOY CRAZY .. but VERY loyal !! Anyway .. I have a bunch of plans to keep me busy this weekend. Tomorrow night, my sister and I are going to a Slumber Party .. a shout out to all the VMs out there (http://vegasmommies.com/) !!! I can't wait !!! And then on Saturday, I am going to a birthday party for an old friend and his sisters should be there (the older of the two has been my friend since we were in kindergarten .. we wnet YEARS without talking to each other .. but I never stopped thinking about her !!) And then Sunday I am just going to chill with my kids after work cause Xander starts school on Monday !!!!!

First grade .. already ?? he is getting so big !! When did this happen (ask my smart ass brother and he would say "it's been a 6 year process" .. he said pretty mucht he same thing about my 3 year old last night .. LoL) Mi kids rock !! On Saturday, Xander and I are going to get hair cuts and Xander is getting his mohawk back just in time for school !! YaY !! he is so excited to have Shelby cut his hair. She is amazing !! I am so excited to have her cut MY hair too !! :o)

Ok .. I am once again having some trouble focusing .. LoL .. more tonight :o)

quotes quotes quotes

quoting myself in the text I sent to the guy who blew me off earlier today (I had to develop a back bone and speak my mind .. so that way I didn't just completely lay over dead) ..

"Let me first start out by saying that I think it's bull shit what you had to say. You knew from the get go that I have kids. You should have never even said anything to me if kids really are a deal breaker for you! I am very hurt by what you had to say and the whole "I hope we can be friends" was just a slap in the face! You said you have to think about "long term" as do I! I am not looking for a replacement dad for my kids, they have a very active dad who loves them very much. So I really don't know what you meant by it all. So .. In the end .. Like I said, all guys blow me off. I really thought you were different .. I thought you had potential .. I hope you can find another "perfect girl" .. But honestly, I KNOW you'll never find anyone else like me!"

I was quoting him when I said "perfect girl" .. and I DO know that no one else is like me .. I am weird .. and I know that. I am not expecting guys to fall all over me and thing I'm god's gift or anything .. although he text me saying something along those lines. I am going effing crazy !! Like I said .. I am weird .. but what about me is SO weird that I can't keep a guy interested? I feel like a complete loser at the game of life !!

Ok .. at the moment I can't even focus .. I should just chill out .. watch my movie and hit the sack .. I work at 6am .. 

I am writing this blog for the MANY fans of my writing. LoL. Until the other day, no one has been given the opportunity to read my personal thoughts .. now, here were are .. I am putting my most personal thoughts out there for the world to read .. hope you enjoy drama .. LoL

"He's Just Not That Into You"

Gigi: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope. 

I am one of those girls who is waiting for my happy ending. I have dealt with a lot of bullsh!t in my life and it's about time that I get to be happy. I was married right after high school and became a mom very soon after that. A month after my 25th birthday, my divorce was finalized. I am now a 25 year old divorced mother of two. I was a wife/mother for so long that I lost who I was completely. So, I have been spending the past year finding out who I am and just enjoying life. The one thing that depresses me time after time is finding the wrong guy. Even when they seem like they could be the RIGHT guy .. something always scares them off. When guys blow me off, they usually don't give me a reason why. They usually just stop talking to me without an explanation. No matter how many times I get blown off, it doesn't get any easier, although I am a LOT more used to it now. Most recently, it happened today. 

Rewind about 2 weeks: this guy started pursuing me and he would call or text me VERY diligently. He was showing his interest very much. He asked me to meet up with him on many occasions; however, most often I told him no (it was nothing against him, it was either I had my kids, or I was waiting for my paycheck). Then one day, about a week of him asking me to hang out, I said yes. We hung out and things were great. We completely hit it off. He was a complete gentleman and I was rather impressed. We continued to talk/text for the the next week and I was the one inviting him to hang out, but he always had something going on. This has been my life the past two weeks. Last night, I invited him to come over and watch a movie with my brother and sister-in-law. He called me and said that he had car trouble and his car was being towed to the shop but had that not happened he was going to come over. Anyway, I was pretty bummed but got over it. We were texting a bit today, and then at 2:12pm today, he called me and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. I said yeah. I thought he was going to ask me if maybe I could get a sitter for my kids and drive him to the auto shop. However, he did not. He told me that he couldn't date me BECAUSE I HAVE KIDS!! He said that OTHER than me having kids, I was perfect for him. He said I am great and that he really likes me, but he just can't get past it. And then the kicker .. he said he hopes we can be friends. What I wanted to say was "FUCK OFF" .. but I didn't. I told him that I don't think it'll happen .. at least not any time soon. I really thought this guy had potential. 

Now I am sitting here fighting back tears from my 6 year-old. I love my kids and I am NOT sorry that I am a mom. They are my heart & soul and if someone can't accept the fact that I have kids then I know I am better off without them in my life. I just don't wanna be alone forever either. I don't HAVE to be alone right now if I don't want to be. There are two guys who have made if VERY clear that they want to be with me, BUT I am not interested in either of them in THAT way. Both of these guys accept the fact that I have kids and love the idea. But I can't compromise my heart/happiness just so I am not alone. One of my best friends said right after I told her what happened today, "Well it is really hard to take on a family! Its gonna take a really special kind of guy and that takes time to find. Ask [my sister] ... it took her like 6 years." Six years .. seriously? I don't want to be alone that long. Maybe I should just get used to it .. seems like I'll be alone forever ............