in my head

Today I am lost in my thoughts. I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of people and it is just stewing. One says they miss me and don't try and blow me off (yet I go periods of time not hearing from them). Another says they are sad to hear that I am sad (then after a 4 hour conversation, I don't hear from them more than once the next day). Others are still happy/proud of me for having the courage to leave the DB and walk away. But yet, here I am faltering and not seeing my own strength. I know I draw strength from my mommy and my seester, but I I lose sight of it in the stress sometimes. And somehow, yet other people think I am so fragile that they tiptoe around the truth. I FUCKING LEFT HIM THIS TIME .. I AM NOT A BROKEN HEARTED MESS !!! I haven't felt this free in a long time, but there is still a lot that I choose not to do just because it is not for me right now. I wanna go out, but I am kinda hesitant to go out some places cause they are so not me. I guess I have to figure myself out again .. I look at my phone like a crazy person sometimes. LoL. I need a hobby. LoL. I think maybe I will start my cross stitching again .. it's sitting right next to me .. how do I clear my head when I have 5 other people depending on me? I don't make much money but there are other people who count on me to provide. I feel stressed out because I don't know if I can do it. I am struggling and don't know where to turn. I don't wanna blame others for the hard knocks in my life .. but it's like I just can't catch a break. I try and I try and I try to be a good person .. to treat others as I wish to be treated .. but I still get spit on. Alas .. I get a text message. 11:33 at night and I hear my phone vibrate. I think it is one person .. but am happily surprised it is someone else .. so, I am going to see if the one text message becomes a conversation .. until tomorrow .. hopefully <3

panic attack

My health is crappy. I have been having gallbladder attacks almost every day .. not to mention I wanna do nothing but sleep. I have very happy that I left John, but my depression is still through the roof. I am completely worried about money and it is really effecting my health. And I don't have insurance, so I can't do anything about it. And .. blah .. can't put my thoughts into words .. maybe i'll write my sister a letter .. until next time ..

all mixed up

My head is all mixed up tonight. I don't know what about. I definately do NOT miss JOhn and all his drama. But as always, it's boys or maybe it's catching up with old friends .. or maybe it's me watching teen mom. I don't know exactly what it is .. I am so mixed up that i have no clue what to write .. I'm done. Until tomorrow .. <3

HIM

On May 1, 2010, I wrote a note on Facebook .. it started some drama, but I had to express the way I felt. It started a whole uproar and things haven't been the same since. Here is what I said on that day .. "What is a girl to do when she finds herself loving someone she was never supposed to? And it's not just her loving him from afar, she has had the opportunity to hold him (and has taken it) only to have him ripped away with little to no reason. Well, for anyone who knows what has been going on in my life the past few months, you know exactly what & who I am talking about. I thought it would be ok and I could just walk away .. after all, we were "just friends." Of course, it was a bit more complicated than that. Right now, he doesn't want me in his life. I hope that changes eventually. He is a great person and I miss having him .. I will never give up on him .. because .. "...when you wake up all alone, with nowhere else to go, with all your bridges burned, I'm right behind you........"" I still find myself thinking about that guy more than a year later. I miss talking to him everyday. He was my closest friend. Why am I always the dumbass who falls for my best friend? Why do I always drive the ones I want away? I am not in a lonely emotional stupor right now (actually in a good mood .. just caught season/series premieres online that I missed while at work) .. but I am just missing him. I guess I was stupid to believe that there could ever be something between us .. I mean, I should know how my life is .. a guy shows interest in me .. once I show interest back, he runs .. I didn't see him like that for a long time .. not one bit. That's how we became so close I guess. He hit on me almost daily. Then one day, he told me he left his wife .. he somehow changed in my eyes .. I became interested and gave in to the constant passes he made at me. I felt comfortable with him .. I could talk to him .. I miss my friend. Am I stupid for posting this again? Probably .. but I have been trying to get out my feelings and not keep shit in my head. I don't have to edit myself from people .. I am free to be me. And if that means saying that I still think about a guy who showed me more support and kindness in like 6 months than my ex husband did in 6 years .. yeah .. I will say it. I know he and I will never have again what we had for the short while we had it .. but I would like to believe that maybe someday he and I will be allowed to be friends again. His friendship meant a lot to me .. Ok .. my rant about HIM is done for now. Sorry if you feel I'm being "cryptic" .. but those of you who may be reading this .. I am sure you understand who/what I'm talking about .. feeling some serious love .. After making almost 1,000 copies for a group of 5 year olds, a 3 hour nap, and working a quick 4 hour shift .. my mind is going a mile a minute .. but for some reason, I just wanna veg out .. I dunno what else to blog about. So, until tomorrow .. <3

joint legal custody

So, Xander calls me tonight and tells me that his baptism was today. I was (and still am) fucking LIVID!! Aaron and I have JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY which is defined as "Legal Custody means the responsibilities associated with raising a child and includes such questions as religious upbringing, school choice, and medical care." RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING !!! Aaron and I talked and I agreed to not interfeering with him taking the kids to church and he agreed that the kids would NOT be baptized until after they were 18 and could make that decision for themselves. I am FURIOUS !!! Is there a way I can have this shit reversed ?? I am so livid that I want to go to court and reduce Aaron's visitation to get the kids back Sunday Morning so he can't take them to church anymore. GRRRRRRR I am so livid that I don't know what to write .. I am gunna go .. until tomorrow .. XoXoX

one proud momma

VTonight was open house at the kids' school. What a great night. We got there early, so I took the kids to the lirary for the book fair. I told them that I would buy them each a book. I spent $10 but the value of reading is SO much more than that. SO, that made me a happy momma. Then we went into the MP room and learned about Parent Link .. we were released to the classrooms. We went to Peyton's room first and I saw some of her work from the past couple weeks and her teacher told me that she'd be calling me about helping out in the classroom. I plan to go in next week. FUN !! So after Peyton's class, we went to Xander's. I spent more time talking to his teacher's husband. I REALLY like oth of the kids' teachers. I told her I would come in and help in class if she needed help and she was very excited. She even hugged me when we were done talking. She is GREAT. On our way out, there was a girl scouts table. I got some information. I want to get Peyton and Xander into scouts. I always had SO much fun when I was in scouts. That is something I want to pass on to my kids. I still need to find out about Peyton's peer mentoring class .. this is just such a long waiting game and it's driving me crazy !! So, perhaps tomorrow I will ask the office again. I feel like such a nag !! GRRRR .. LoL Things are falling into place. There is still an adjustment period, but it'll be good I am sure. Suzie and I get along really well and I am confident in the situation. She and I are super close and this is a HUGE relief for both of us. We are both happier and feel more relaxed and so at ease. I am happy to have my life back .. Ok .. I just had to do some computer repair and now I am not in the mood to type more. I am going to sit back and relax and watch the series finale of LA INK .. been there .. will miss it .. Until tomorrow <3

wet purple nails

Well, last night, I passed the fuck out at like 9pm. I got cumfy on the couch and started playing a game on the phone. And then .. next thing I knew, my alarm was going off at 6am this morning !! HaHa. Then tonight, I was supposed to work from 5:30 to 9:30 tonight .. but my amazing boss let me work 5-9 so I would be home for the season finale of Big Brother 13 !! I am so excited that my favorite player won the game !! YAY !! Rachel Rocks !! My buddy Jonny wanted me to go and hang out tonight. I wanted to go, but I was at work and then I had to come home for Big Brother. I text him afterwards and he was already heading home. BOO .. oh well .. another night. But i like having the option to go out if I want to !! :-) Tomorrow is Open House at the kids' school. I am very excited. I have met and talked to the teachers quite a few times already, but I want to see and discuss some concerns with them already. Xander has trouble staying focused at home .. grrr .. but we will nip it in the bud. I am also going to let Peyton's teacher know the days that I am availale next week if she wants any classroom help. I think that would be fun :-) I will let you know how it goes. We had someone new start at work today (he has been in training but today was his first day in our department) .. come to find out, he is the soon to be brother in law to one of my BEST friends. He and I have known each other for years and it was nice working together and catching up a bit :-) I don't think I will work with him again until Sunday, but that's alright. I should probably hang my work schedule up on the fridge. LoL I got to go grocery shopping today. It is a huge relief knowing that my kids will have something to eat for a few days. LoL. Well, I know it will be for longer than a few days .. but still. I feel like a ad mom when I have to really wonder where the next meal if coming from. It got bad a few times when I was living with John, but he always had a LOT more money than he ever said. So, he never let it get ad enough that I was really worried. So, the past few days, fod was tight but we made it work and now, we have plenty of snacks and stuff too. Ok well my throat hurts and my purple nails are still kinda wet, so I am gunna head out for now .. until tomorrow <3

Crab/lobster bake

Yesterday while I was napping, my new neighbor invied us (me, Suzie, & the kids) over for dinner tonight .. for a crab & lobster bake !! It was so yummy .. but here it is a few hours later and I am STARVING !!! LoL .. didn't fill me up for very long, and I ate like a piggy !!

So, I think I wanna take a trip to Vacavill, Ca soon. I dunno what would be the cheapest way tho .. do I drive or do I try and fly ?? And how long do I stay ?? LoL .. some of those questions I can't answer for myself .. maybe I will look into it .. birthday trip ?? Ok .. I put this on hold and i looked online .. I can get a round trip flight with taxes and everything for less than $90 .. but now, who wants to drive to Stockton to pick me up ?? Hmmm .. maybe do something awesome in San Francisco on my actual birthday .. dinner with a handsome man ?? Hmmm .. we shall see ..

Suzie has been here since I moved in and I have really missed her company. She and I get along so well and we really compliment each other. We help each other out quite a bit .. It just works. Glad she is completely away from RJ. :-)

ok...starving. Gunna heat up the last of the chicken fettuccine alfredo...yum!!

what a GREAT weekend

This was my first weekend being single in a long time and I enjoyed it VERY much. Friday was hella busy with the whole move and then Xander's party .. but it was refreshing!! Anna and Suzie were amazing and I will never be able to thank them enough for all of their help. His party was supposed to be over at 7:30 .. but me, Suzie, Chuck & Jeannine didn't leave till almost 8:30 :-) It was nice just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.

Saturday, I worked and then Suzie and I went out. I stayed out till like 2:30 and didn't have to answer to anyone and I didn't have anyone texting me all night being pissy about me being gone and asking a ton of questions about when I'd be home .. I loved the company and the music and the adorable Havens boys <3

Tonight, I worked and then came home and took a nap. I don't give a fuck what anyone says .. adults can take naps if they want to .. LoL. I felt really refreshed and then I got up and got ready for Nikki's housewarming party. That was a LOT of fun. Her fiance is so funny. I was paying attention to my phone for a while, so he got up, walked over to me, grabbed my hand and said he was going to take me to "consummate our friendship" .. LoL. He gave me the tour of the house. LoL. I ended up making myself a drink: whipped cream flavored vodka, cranberry, & pineapple !! Super yumm !! When I left, I had to take the kids' backpacks to Aaron. We talked for like almost half an hour. He supports my decision in leaving John. That is always nice when that happens.

Well, I am watching Big Brother After Dark .. but stay tuned .. I am going to try writing every night ;-)

I'm Free !!

For just shy of the past 8 months, I was in a horribly miserale relationship. Of course, it wasn't ALL miserable. I really cared until like the past 2 months. On a daily basis, I would cry and he said at least one mean think so me .. sometimes even during sex. I wanted so long to be in a relationship .. but after that one .. I am SOOOO happy to be single !! I am ready to be the happy go lucky loving and active person I used to be.

I went out with one of my girlfriends last night and we had a great time listening to an amazing band !! I have known the drummer for like 13 years or something. LoL. He is a great guy and I am glad we went to support him.

I am ready to hang out with my friends again .. both male and female. I am ready to make my own decisions .. I am ready to have 2 hour phone conversations with my seester again .. I am ready to sit on the couch watching TV, texting, and surfing the web .. I am just ready to be ME !!

<3 <3 <3