HIM

On May 1, 2010, I wrote a note on Facebook .. it started some drama, but I had to express the way I felt. It started a whole uproar and things haven't been the same since. Here is what I said on that day .. "What is a girl to do when she finds herself loving someone she was never supposed to? And it's not just her loving him from afar, she has had the opportunity to hold him (and has taken it) only to have him ripped away with little to no reason. Well, for anyone who knows what has been going on in my life the past few months, you know exactly what & who I am talking about. I thought it would be ok and I could just walk away .. after all, we were "just friends." Of course, it was a bit more complicated than that. Right now, he doesn't want me in his life. I hope that changes eventually. He is a great person and I miss having him .. I will never give up on him .. because .. "...when you wake up all alone, with nowhere else to go, with all your bridges burned, I'm right behind you........"" I still find myself thinking about that guy more than a year later. I miss talking to him everyday. He was my closest friend. Why am I always the dumbass who falls for my best friend? Why do I always drive the ones I want away? I am not in a lonely emotional stupor right now (actually in a good mood .. just caught season/series premieres online that I missed while at work) .. but I am just missing him. I guess I was stupid to believe that there could ever be something between us .. I mean, I should know how my life is .. a guy shows interest in me .. once I show interest back, he runs .. I didn't see him like that for a long time .. not one bit. That's how we became so close I guess. He hit on me almost daily. Then one day, he told me he left his wife .. he somehow changed in my eyes .. I became interested and gave in to the constant passes he made at me. I felt comfortable with him .. I could talk to him .. I miss my friend. Am I stupid for posting this again? Probably .. but I have been trying to get out my feelings and not keep shit in my head. I don't have to edit myself from people .. I am free to be me. And if that means saying that I still think about a guy who showed me more support and kindness in like 6 months than my ex husband did in 6 years .. yeah .. I will say it. I know he and I will never have again what we had for the short while we had it .. but I would like to believe that maybe someday he and I will be allowed to be friends again. His friendship meant a lot to me .. Ok .. my rant about HIM is done for now. Sorry if you feel I'm being "cryptic" .. but those of you who may be reading this .. I am sure you understand who/what I'm talking about .. feeling some serious love .. After making almost 1,000 copies for a group of 5 year olds, a 3 hour nap, and working a quick 4 hour shift .. my mind is going a mile a minute .. but for some reason, I just wanna veg out .. I dunno what else to blog about. So, until tomorrow .. <3