Dear Granny

Dear Granny, For six years of my life, you were more of a grandmother to me than my own biological one was. That is very hard for me to say, but it's obvious when someone plays favorites. I would go over to your house and spend time with you just the two of us. I never minded doing things for you because you always did so much for me and my budding family. I am so blessed for all the time we spent together and I miss hearing you call me "the little girl." I was your first granddaughter and the mother of your only great-grandson, and first born great-granddaughter. So many times I was compared to you .. said I had a lot of your character traits and we even looked alike. You truly were the matriarch of this family and held us all together. So, as you can imagine, it was a day that I will never forget when Aron told me you had passed on. I knew it was coming, but I had hoped that I would be given the chance to say goodbye. I can never express how much you meant, and continue to mean to me. I will never forget the last conversation you and I had. It was mid July 2008. I didn't have any clue that it would be the last time I would be allowed to speak to you. My divorce was difficult, but the hardest part was losing family. You stayed close to all of Mary's family after her & Dad divorced .. but I wasn't allowed to talk to you guys again .. breaks my heart. But the reason I am writing is because today, you would be 87 years old. My heart aches for you .. you were an amazing grandma and i miss your hugs. You were such an amazing person and everyone who met you just fell in love with you. I hope that I continue to have your character traits when I get older. You are missed every day. I love you Granny !! All my love, the little girl (Erinn) R.I.P. Laverne Josephine Schless-Routh 11.16.24 - 06.10.11

These are MY People

On my drive home tonight, I heard a couple songs that really made me think: think about my friends and family and the woman I have become. The lyrics that are stuck in my head right now are from Rodney Atkins song THESE ARE MY PEOPLE

We got some discount knowledge at the junior college.. Where we majored in beer and girls.. was all real funny 'til we ran out of money.. And they threw us out into the world.. Yeah the kids that thought they'd run this town.. Ain't runnin' much of anything.. We're just lovin' and laughin'.. And bustin' our asses.. And we call it all livin' the dream .. [Chorus] .. These are my people.. This is where I come from.. We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some.. It ain't always pretty.. But it's real.. That's the way we were made.. Wouldn't have it any other way.. These are my people..

That song is making me think .. and another one that has my head all wrapped up: JUST A KISS by Lady Antebellum

Lyin' here with you so close to me.. It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe.. Caught up in this moment.. Caught up in your smile ... Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight.. Just a touch of the fire burning so bright.. No I don't want to mess this thing up.. I don't want to push too far.. Just a shot in the dark that you just might.. Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life.. So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight .. I know that if we give this a little time.. It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find.. It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Arg .. why are songs in my head ??? LoL Another .. Martina McBride THIS ONES FOR THE GIRLS

This is for all you girls about twenty-five.. In a little apartment, just trying to get by.. Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's.. Wondering where your life is gonna go .. This one's for the girls.. Who've ever had a broken heart.. Who've wished upon a shooting star.. You're beautiful the way you are.. This one's for the girls.. Who love without holding back.. Who dream with everything they have.. All around the world.. This one's for the girls

I could probably go on and on .. but I think I will stop quoting songs. LoL. I have a lot on my mind and I have said befor that I want to just hang out//spend time with/date someone I already know. I don't wanna waste my breath trying to explain every move I make and such. I wanna be able to be myself surrounded by the people that I love and theose who love me, for me. Ok .. and on that note .. I will end with ONE more ong .. when you see the [ ] please note the lyrics have been edited to fit me a little bit better .. LoL Jessica Andrews WHO I AM

If I live to be a hundred.. And never see the seven wonders.. That'll be alright.. If I don't make it to the big leagues.. If I never win a Grammy.. I'm gonna be just fine.. 'Cause I know exactly who I am.. I am [Jeanette]'s granddaughter.. The spitting image of my [brother].. And when the day is done.. My momma's still my biggest fan.. Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy.. But I've got friends that love me.. And they know just where I stand.. It's all a part of me.. And that's who I am.. So when I make a big mistake.. When I fall flat on my face.. I know I'll be alright.. Should my tender heart be broken.. I will cry those teardrops knowing'.. I will be just fine.. 'Cause nothin' changes who I am

old habbits die hard

Some things never change .. and no matter how much I try to change, or think I have changed, the more things seem to be exactly the same. I have been really depressed lately and have not been able to blog .. ok .. I'm done ..

blogging ..

I was going to blog tonight .. but i read another blog and it made me depressed .. not just depressed .. but like hurt .. my feelings were hurt. Not going to elaborate .. guess I'll be cryptic tonight .. BLAH

in my head

Today I am lost in my thoughts. I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of people and it is just stewing. One says they miss me and don't try and blow me off (yet I go periods of time not hearing from them). Another says they are sad to hear that I am sad (then after a 4 hour conversation, I don't hear from them more than once the next day). Others are still happy/proud of me for having the courage to leave the DB and walk away. But yet, here I am faltering and not seeing my own strength. I know I draw strength from my mommy and my seester, but I I lose sight of it in the stress sometimes. And somehow, yet other people think I am so fragile that they tiptoe around the truth. I FUCKING LEFT HIM THIS TIME .. I AM NOT A BROKEN HEARTED MESS !!! I haven't felt this free in a long time, but there is still a lot that I choose not to do just because it is not for me right now. I wanna go out, but I am kinda hesitant to go out some places cause they are so not me. I guess I have to figure myself out again .. I look at my phone like a crazy person sometimes. LoL. I need a hobby. LoL. I think maybe I will start my cross stitching again .. it's sitting right next to me .. how do I clear my head when I have 5 other people depending on me? I don't make much money but there are other people who count on me to provide. I feel stressed out because I don't know if I can do it. I am struggling and don't know where to turn. I don't wanna blame others for the hard knocks in my life .. but it's like I just can't catch a break. I try and I try and I try to be a good person .. to treat others as I wish to be treated .. but I still get spit on. Alas .. I get a text message. 11:33 at night and I hear my phone vibrate. I think it is one person .. but am happily surprised it is someone else .. so, I am going to see if the one text message becomes a conversation .. until tomorrow .. hopefully <3

panic attack

My health is crappy. I have been having gallbladder attacks almost every day .. not to mention I wanna do nothing but sleep. I have very happy that I left John, but my depression is still through the roof. I am completely worried about money and it is really effecting my health. And I don't have insurance, so I can't do anything about it. And .. blah .. can't put my thoughts into words .. maybe i'll write my sister a letter .. until next time ..

all mixed up

My head is all mixed up tonight. I don't know what about. I definately do NOT miss JOhn and all his drama. But as always, it's boys or maybe it's catching up with old friends .. or maybe it's me watching teen mom. I don't know exactly what it is .. I am so mixed up that i have no clue what to write .. I'm done. Until tomorrow .. <3

HIM

On May 1, 2010, I wrote a note on Facebook .. it started some drama, but I had to express the way I felt. It started a whole uproar and things haven't been the same since. Here is what I said on that day .. "What is a girl to do when she finds herself loving someone she was never supposed to? And it's not just her loving him from afar, she has had the opportunity to hold him (and has taken it) only to have him ripped away with little to no reason. Well, for anyone who knows what has been going on in my life the past few months, you know exactly what & who I am talking about. I thought it would be ok and I could just walk away .. after all, we were "just friends." Of course, it was a bit more complicated than that. Right now, he doesn't want me in his life. I hope that changes eventually. He is a great person and I miss having him .. I will never give up on him .. because .. "...when you wake up all alone, with nowhere else to go, with all your bridges burned, I'm right behind you........"" I still find myself thinking about that guy more than a year later. I miss talking to him everyday. He was my closest friend. Why am I always the dumbass who falls for my best friend? Why do I always drive the ones I want away? I am not in a lonely emotional stupor right now (actually in a good mood .. just caught season/series premieres online that I missed while at work) .. but I am just missing him. I guess I was stupid to believe that there could ever be something between us .. I mean, I should know how my life is .. a guy shows interest in me .. once I show interest back, he runs .. I didn't see him like that for a long time .. not one bit. That's how we became so close I guess. He hit on me almost daily. Then one day, he told me he left his wife .. he somehow changed in my eyes .. I became interested and gave in to the constant passes he made at me. I felt comfortable with him .. I could talk to him .. I miss my friend. Am I stupid for posting this again? Probably .. but I have been trying to get out my feelings and not keep shit in my head. I don't have to edit myself from people .. I am free to be me. And if that means saying that I still think about a guy who showed me more support and kindness in like 6 months than my ex husband did in 6 years .. yeah .. I will say it. I know he and I will never have again what we had for the short while we had it .. but I would like to believe that maybe someday he and I will be allowed to be friends again. His friendship meant a lot to me .. Ok .. my rant about HIM is done for now. Sorry if you feel I'm being "cryptic" .. but those of you who may be reading this .. I am sure you understand who/what I'm talking about .. feeling some serious love .. After making almost 1,000 copies for a group of 5 year olds, a 3 hour nap, and working a quick 4 hour shift .. my mind is going a mile a minute .. but for some reason, I just wanna veg out .. I dunno what else to blog about. So, until tomorrow .. <3

joint legal custody

So, Xander calls me tonight and tells me that his baptism was today. I was (and still am) fucking LIVID!! Aaron and I have JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY which is defined as "Legal Custody means the responsibilities associated with raising a child and includes such questions as religious upbringing, school choice, and medical care." RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING !!! Aaron and I talked and I agreed to not interfeering with him taking the kids to church and he agreed that the kids would NOT be baptized until after they were 18 and could make that decision for themselves. I am FURIOUS !!! Is there a way I can have this shit reversed ?? I am so livid that I want to go to court and reduce Aaron's visitation to get the kids back Sunday Morning so he can't take them to church anymore. GRRRRRRR I am so livid that I don't know what to write .. I am gunna go .. until tomorrow .. XoXoX

one proud momma

VTonight was open house at the kids' school. What a great night. We got there early, so I took the kids to the lirary for the book fair. I told them that I would buy them each a book. I spent $10 but the value of reading is SO much more than that. SO, that made me a happy momma. Then we went into the MP room and learned about Parent Link .. we were released to the classrooms. We went to Peyton's room first and I saw some of her work from the past couple weeks and her teacher told me that she'd be calling me about helping out in the classroom. I plan to go in next week. FUN !! So after Peyton's class, we went to Xander's. I spent more time talking to his teacher's husband. I REALLY like oth of the kids' teachers. I told her I would come in and help in class if she needed help and she was very excited. She even hugged me when we were done talking. She is GREAT. On our way out, there was a girl scouts table. I got some information. I want to get Peyton and Xander into scouts. I always had SO much fun when I was in scouts. That is something I want to pass on to my kids. I still need to find out about Peyton's peer mentoring class .. this is just such a long waiting game and it's driving me crazy !! So, perhaps tomorrow I will ask the office again. I feel like such a nag !! GRRRR .. LoL Things are falling into place. There is still an adjustment period, but it'll be good I am sure. Suzie and I get along really well and I am confident in the situation. She and I are super close and this is a HUGE relief for both of us. We are both happier and feel more relaxed and so at ease. I am happy to have my life back .. Ok .. I just had to do some computer repair and now I am not in the mood to type more. I am going to sit back and relax and watch the series finale of LA INK .. been there .. will miss it .. Until tomorrow <3

wet purple nails

Well, last night, I passed the fuck out at like 9pm. I got cumfy on the couch and started playing a game on the phone. And then .. next thing I knew, my alarm was going off at 6am this morning !! HaHa. Then tonight, I was supposed to work from 5:30 to 9:30 tonight .. but my amazing boss let me work 5-9 so I would be home for the season finale of Big Brother 13 !! I am so excited that my favorite player won the game !! YAY !! Rachel Rocks !! My buddy Jonny wanted me to go and hang out tonight. I wanted to go, but I was at work and then I had to come home for Big Brother. I text him afterwards and he was already heading home. BOO .. oh well .. another night. But i like having the option to go out if I want to !! :-) Tomorrow is Open House at the kids' school. I am very excited. I have met and talked to the teachers quite a few times already, but I want to see and discuss some concerns with them already. Xander has trouble staying focused at home .. grrr .. but we will nip it in the bud. I am also going to let Peyton's teacher know the days that I am availale next week if she wants any classroom help. I think that would be fun :-) I will let you know how it goes. We had someone new start at work today (he has been in training but today was his first day in our department) .. come to find out, he is the soon to be brother in law to one of my BEST friends. He and I have known each other for years and it was nice working together and catching up a bit :-) I don't think I will work with him again until Sunday, but that's alright. I should probably hang my work schedule up on the fridge. LoL I got to go grocery shopping today. It is a huge relief knowing that my kids will have something to eat for a few days. LoL. Well, I know it will be for longer than a few days .. but still. I feel like a ad mom when I have to really wonder where the next meal if coming from. It got bad a few times when I was living with John, but he always had a LOT more money than he ever said. So, he never let it get ad enough that I was really worried. So, the past few days, fod was tight but we made it work and now, we have plenty of snacks and stuff too. Ok well my throat hurts and my purple nails are still kinda wet, so I am gunna head out for now .. until tomorrow <3

Crab/lobster bake

Yesterday while I was napping, my new neighbor invied us (me, Suzie, & the kids) over for dinner tonight .. for a crab & lobster bake !! It was so yummy .. but here it is a few hours later and I am STARVING !!! LoL .. didn't fill me up for very long, and I ate like a piggy !!

So, I think I wanna take a trip to Vacavill, Ca soon. I dunno what would be the cheapest way tho .. do I drive or do I try and fly ?? And how long do I stay ?? LoL .. some of those questions I can't answer for myself .. maybe I will look into it .. birthday trip ?? Ok .. I put this on hold and i looked online .. I can get a round trip flight with taxes and everything for less than $90 .. but now, who wants to drive to Stockton to pick me up ?? Hmmm .. maybe do something awesome in San Francisco on my actual birthday .. dinner with a handsome man ?? Hmmm .. we shall see ..

Suzie has been here since I moved in and I have really missed her company. She and I get along so well and we really compliment each other. We help each other out quite a bit .. It just works. Glad she is completely away from RJ. :-)

ok...starving. Gunna heat up the last of the chicken fettuccine alfredo...yum!!

what a GREAT weekend

This was my first weekend being single in a long time and I enjoyed it VERY much. Friday was hella busy with the whole move and then Xander's party .. but it was refreshing!! Anna and Suzie were amazing and I will never be able to thank them enough for all of their help. His party was supposed to be over at 7:30 .. but me, Suzie, Chuck & Jeannine didn't leave till almost 8:30 :-) It was nice just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.

Saturday, I worked and then Suzie and I went out. I stayed out till like 2:30 and didn't have to answer to anyone and I didn't have anyone texting me all night being pissy about me being gone and asking a ton of questions about when I'd be home .. I loved the company and the music and the adorable Havens boys <3

Tonight, I worked and then came home and took a nap. I don't give a fuck what anyone says .. adults can take naps if they want to .. LoL. I felt really refreshed and then I got up and got ready for Nikki's housewarming party. That was a LOT of fun. Her fiance is so funny. I was paying attention to my phone for a while, so he got up, walked over to me, grabbed my hand and said he was going to take me to "consummate our friendship" .. LoL. He gave me the tour of the house. LoL. I ended up making myself a drink: whipped cream flavored vodka, cranberry, & pineapple !! Super yumm !! When I left, I had to take the kids' backpacks to Aaron. We talked for like almost half an hour. He supports my decision in leaving John. That is always nice when that happens.

Well, I am watching Big Brother After Dark .. but stay tuned .. I am going to try writing every night ;-)

I'm Free !!

For just shy of the past 8 months, I was in a horribly miserale relationship. Of course, it wasn't ALL miserable. I really cared until like the past 2 months. On a daily basis, I would cry and he said at least one mean think so me .. sometimes even during sex. I wanted so long to be in a relationship .. but after that one .. I am SOOOO happy to be single !! I am ready to be the happy go lucky loving and active person I used to be.

I went out with one of my girlfriends last night and we had a great time listening to an amazing band !! I have known the drummer for like 13 years or something. LoL. He is a great guy and I am glad we went to support him.

I am ready to hang out with my friends again .. both male and female. I am ready to make my own decisions .. I am ready to have 2 hour phone conversations with my seester again .. I am ready to sit on the couch watching TV, texting, and surfing the web .. I am just ready to be ME !!

<3 <3 <3

50 dangerous things you SHOULD let your kid do!

So, today I heard about a book (http://www.fiftydangerousthings.com/about-the-book) and it has me a bit intrigued. I have been working really hard on giving my kids (especially my 7 1/2 year old son) more responsibility/independence. It is a VERY different world out there now than the one that I grew up in. When I was 7 1/2 I would be out riding my bike with my friends until the street lights came on and I am having big time issues letting my son go across the street without me. I know I need to try some of the things on the list. Thanks to google, here is the list (without having to buy the book) .. (anything in BOLD is stuff I have let my kid(s) do...some of this will be really hard for me to let go a bit more...)

lick a 9 volt battery
play in a hailstorm
master the perfect somersault
kiss hello like the french
stick your hand out the window
drive a nail
drive a car
throw a spear
make a bomb in a bag
play with the vacuum
throw rocks
play with dry ice
boil water in a paper cup
put strange things in the microwave
throw things from a moving car
drop from high places
burn with a magnifying glass
walk home from school
stand on the roof
squash pennies on the railroad tracks
spend an hour blindfolded
bend steel
break glass
construct your own flying machine (i think paper airplaines count)
look at the sun
learn dramatic sword fighting
make a slingshot
climb a tree
perform on the street
dam up a creek
go underground
change a tire
dive in a dumpster
deconstruct an appliance
go to the dump
poison your friends
fly your homemade kite
learn tightrope walking
cook something in the dishwasher
find a beehive
cross town on public transit (my daughter LOVES the double decker busses)
break the recipe rule book
whittle
make a rope swing
play with fire
superglue your fingers together
melt glass
explode a bottle in the freezer
sleep in the wild


Hmmmm .. looks like I have a LOT of letting go to do !! Wish me luck ..

RESERECTED!!

hello all my bloggers out there .. I have found my blog .. I thought it went away somehow .. I am glad I found it .. So much has been going on I don't even know where to start.

I am trying to plan a trip for myself, my kids, and my niece to go bisit my parents in Michigan for a couple weeks this summer .. but it it proving to be almost impossible. I am freakin out since we had already told all 3 kids about it and they are all looking forward to it. We will figure SOMETHING out I am sure ..

My brother & his family moved to Texas over a month ago and I am feeling lost without them. My sister-in-law is my best friend and it sucks that she now lives 1900 miles away from me. I need a Seester hug .. PRONTO!! We were on skype for an hour and 15 minutes the other day and that was refreshing but it made me cry also. I got to see my nephews and blow them kisses .. but it's not that same as when i could just scoop them up in my arms and smother them. I miss them so much.

Xander is out of 2nd grade now and on summer vacation. The theme song to PHINNEAS AND FERB keeps playing through my head ..

"There's 104 days of summer vacation
And school comes along just to end it
So the annual problem for our generation
Is finding a good way to spend it

Like maybe...
Building a rocket
Or fighting a mummy
Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower

Discovering something that doesn't exist (Hey!)
Or giving a monkey a shower
Surfing tidal waves
Creating nanobots
Or locating Frankenstein's brain (It's over here!)

Finding a dodo bird
Painting a continent
Or driving your sister insane (Phineas!)

As you can see
There's a whole lot of stuff to do
Before school starts this fall (Come on Perry)

So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb
Are gonna do it all
So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb are
Gonna do it all!
(Mom! Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!)"

Ok .. for now .. I shall go ..