strong . elusive & cryptic . alone

I am sitting here writing this by candle light (a story all in it's own that I don't really wanna get into at the moment) and it is making me really think. Just last night a friend of mine told me that I am a really strong person. And that has me thinking about a lot of things that a lot of people have to say about me .. I don't see myself as strong . I don't see myself as beautiful .. But people tell me these two things a lot. How is it that so many people can see/say the same things about me, but yet I have been living with myself for almost 26 years now, and I don't see them. True, I have trouble taking compliments, but it seems that if someone compliments me on anything but those two things, I am more accepting of it. What makes me strong? I think I am weak. I am a 25 year old divorced mother of two that can't even find a guy to take her out on a first date, let alone be her boyfriend. Am I strong because I haven't given up on love? Because I still believe that there is someone out there who will love me some day? Am I strong because I have no one to help pick me up and brush myself off after falling on my face that I have to do it myself? (I've gotten pretty good at doing that) .. I guess if I'm viewed as strong it's cause of my kids. Xander and Peyton are my world .. Without them I don't know where I'd be and I really don't wanna think about that. Those kids keep me strong. I have to be strong for them. They can't see me cry. So instead of crying, I get angry.

I am so angry inside, so hurt, so alone. I tried talking to someone about it, but he told me I was normal. Maybe I am normal and everyone is a little crazy. Or maybe I didn't feel safe enough to let anyone see me so vounorable. My brother said to me tonight that he hates how elusive I am. He thinks I am all mysterious or something for attention. "Don't be all cryptic." .. He said that if I want my friends to know what's going on with me .. Tell them. Well, the hard thing is .. I don't wanna lay my shit out there for everyone to see. if I am going through something, I'll let people know that I'm having a tough time .. That that point, if people wanna know more they can come to me. Some may see it as overly dramatic, I see it as being protective. I don't know if I can trust anyone fully anymore. I'd like to .. Oh man would I like to .. But I just don't know how capable of trusting I am anymore .. I am alone. That's obvious. The reason I am alone, that's what confuses me. I don't wanna be alone, at least not on a conscious level. Maybe on a subconscious level, I sabotage every chance I have at a relationship before I have the opportunity to trust someone again. There has only been 1 person in my life that Ihave trusted whole heartedly .. And he hurt me. He didn't just hurt me .. He broke my spirit. Recently, I stood back and said nothing when there was dozens of opportunities to go after what I wanted .. Another friend said "this isn't the Erinn that I know. The Erinn that I know gets everything she wants. She's not shy at all." .. I am not that person anymore .. Haven't been for a very long time .. Don't know if I can get any of it back either ..

Am I depressed? Yeah .. And it seems I write better when I am. Depression is a way of life for me now .. It's been something I have been dealing with since about the time I was around 13. I want to feel better .. I want to be a genuinely happy person .. Not just a semi-happy person faking it. I have good things in my life, but when the bad stuff happens, I dwell on it for such a long time .. I know it's not healthy, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know if anyone is reading my rambling (part of me is hoping that no one is) .. But if you just sat through this .. You're a trooper! Thanks! There is a long road of healing ahead of me .. It'll take some time .. Maybe I will feel whole again .. Maybe. Until then .. Anyone got some JB weld?