Dear Granny

Dear Granny, For six years of my life, you were more of a grandmother to me than my own biological one was. That is very hard for me to say, but it's obvious when someone plays favorites. I would go over to your house and spend time with you just the two of us. I never minded doing things for you because you always did so much for me and my budding family. I am so blessed for all the time we spent together and I miss hearing you call me "the little girl." I was your first granddaughter and the mother of your only great-grandson, and first born great-granddaughter. So many times I was compared to you .. said I had a lot of your character traits and we even looked alike. You truly were the matriarch of this family and held us all together. So, as you can imagine, it was a day that I will never forget when Aron told me you had passed on. I knew it was coming, but I had hoped that I would be given the chance to say goodbye. I can never express how much you meant, and continue to mean to me. I will never forget the last conversation you and I had. It was mid July 2008. I didn't have any clue that it would be the last time I would be allowed to speak to you. My divorce was difficult, but the hardest part was losing family. You stayed close to all of Mary's family after her & Dad divorced .. but I wasn't allowed to talk to you guys again .. breaks my heart. But the reason I am writing is because today, you would be 87 years old. My heart aches for you .. you were an amazing grandma and i miss your hugs. You were such an amazing person and everyone who met you just fell in love with you. I hope that I continue to have your character traits when I get older. You are missed every day. I love you Granny !! All my love, the little girl (Erinn) R.I.P. Laverne Josephine Schless-Routh 11.16.24 - 06.10.11

These are MY People

On my drive home tonight, I heard a couple songs that really made me think: think about my friends and family and the woman I have become. The lyrics that are stuck in my head right now are from Rodney Atkins song THESE ARE MY PEOPLE

We got some discount knowledge at the junior college.. Where we majored in beer and girls.. was all real funny 'til we ran out of money.. And they threw us out into the world.. Yeah the kids that thought they'd run this town.. Ain't runnin' much of anything.. We're just lovin' and laughin'.. And bustin' our asses.. And we call it all livin' the dream .. [Chorus] .. These are my people.. This is where I come from.. We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some.. It ain't always pretty.. But it's real.. That's the way we were made.. Wouldn't have it any other way.. These are my people..

That song is making me think .. and another one that has my head all wrapped up: JUST A KISS by Lady Antebellum

Lyin' here with you so close to me.. It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe.. Caught up in this moment.. Caught up in your smile ... Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight.. Just a touch of the fire burning so bright.. No I don't want to mess this thing up.. I don't want to push too far.. Just a shot in the dark that you just might.. Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life.. So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight .. I know that if we give this a little time.. It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find.. It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Arg .. why are songs in my head ??? LoL Another .. Martina McBride THIS ONES FOR THE GIRLS

This is for all you girls about twenty-five.. In a little apartment, just trying to get by.. Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's.. Wondering where your life is gonna go .. This one's for the girls.. Who've ever had a broken heart.. Who've wished upon a shooting star.. You're beautiful the way you are.. This one's for the girls.. Who love without holding back.. Who dream with everything they have.. All around the world.. This one's for the girls

I could probably go on and on .. but I think I will stop quoting songs. LoL. I have a lot on my mind and I have said befor that I want to just hang out//spend time with/date someone I already know. I don't wanna waste my breath trying to explain every move I make and such. I wanna be able to be myself surrounded by the people that I love and theose who love me, for me. Ok .. and on that note .. I will end with ONE more ong .. when you see the [ ] please note the lyrics have been edited to fit me a little bit better .. LoL Jessica Andrews WHO I AM

If I live to be a hundred.. And never see the seven wonders.. That'll be alright.. If I don't make it to the big leagues.. If I never win a Grammy.. I'm gonna be just fine.. 'Cause I know exactly who I am.. I am [Jeanette]'s granddaughter.. The spitting image of my [brother].. And when the day is done.. My momma's still my biggest fan.. Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy.. But I've got friends that love me.. And they know just where I stand.. It's all a part of me.. And that's who I am.. So when I make a big mistake.. When I fall flat on my face.. I know I'll be alright.. Should my tender heart be broken.. I will cry those teardrops knowing'.. I will be just fine.. 'Cause nothin' changes who I am

old habbits die hard

Some things never change .. and no matter how much I try to change, or think I have changed, the more things seem to be exactly the same. I have been really depressed lately and have not been able to blog .. ok .. I'm done ..

blogging ..

I was going to blog tonight .. but i read another blog and it made me depressed .. not just depressed .. but like hurt .. my feelings were hurt. Not going to elaborate .. guess I'll be cryptic tonight .. BLAH

in my head

Today I am lost in my thoughts. I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of people and it is just stewing. One says they miss me and don't try and blow me off (yet I go periods of time not hearing from them). Another says they are sad to hear that I am sad (then after a 4 hour conversation, I don't hear from them more than once the next day). Others are still happy/proud of me for having the courage to leave the DB and walk away. But yet, here I am faltering and not seeing my own strength. I know I draw strength from my mommy and my seester, but I I lose sight of it in the stress sometimes. And somehow, yet other people think I am so fragile that they tiptoe around the truth. I FUCKING LEFT HIM THIS TIME .. I AM NOT A BROKEN HEARTED MESS !!! I haven't felt this free in a long time, but there is still a lot that I choose not to do just because it is not for me right now. I wanna go out, but I am kinda hesitant to go out some places cause they are so not me. I guess I have to figure myself out again .. I look at my phone like a crazy person sometimes. LoL. I need a hobby. LoL. I think maybe I will start my cross stitching again .. it's sitting right next to me .. how do I clear my head when I have 5 other people depending on me? I don't make much money but there are other people who count on me to provide. I feel stressed out because I don't know if I can do it. I am struggling and don't know where to turn. I don't wanna blame others for the hard knocks in my life .. but it's like I just can't catch a break. I try and I try and I try to be a good person .. to treat others as I wish to be treated .. but I still get spit on. Alas .. I get a text message. 11:33 at night and I hear my phone vibrate. I think it is one person .. but am happily surprised it is someone else .. so, I am going to see if the one text message becomes a conversation .. until tomorrow .. hopefully <3

panic attack

My health is crappy. I have been having gallbladder attacks almost every day .. not to mention I wanna do nothing but sleep. I have very happy that I left John, but my depression is still through the roof. I am completely worried about money and it is really effecting my health. And I don't have insurance, so I can't do anything about it. And .. blah .. can't put my thoughts into words .. maybe i'll write my sister a letter .. until next time ..

all mixed up

My head is all mixed up tonight. I don't know what about. I definately do NOT miss JOhn and all his drama. But as always, it's boys or maybe it's catching up with old friends .. or maybe it's me watching teen mom. I don't know exactly what it is .. I am so mixed up that i have no clue what to write .. I'm done. Until tomorrow .. <3